im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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