i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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