3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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