How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
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i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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