I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Two words: nipple clamps
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