Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
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he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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