I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
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She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
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Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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