I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize