im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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