So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
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Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
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I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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