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I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
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