just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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