My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
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I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
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Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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