Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
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im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
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