you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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