Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
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We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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