Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
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I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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