Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
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Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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