I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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