I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
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I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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