Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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