i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
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There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
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Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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