I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
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im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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