Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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