when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
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My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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