yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
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There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
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My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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