How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
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All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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