3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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