So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
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The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
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I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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