I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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