We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
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My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
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Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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