Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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