I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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