So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
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i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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