he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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