does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
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All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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