LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
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i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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