Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize