I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize