Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
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I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
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4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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