So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
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I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
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