i just had sex bonerless
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
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Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
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You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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