I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
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I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
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Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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