Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
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He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
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Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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