so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
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We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
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Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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