my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
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Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
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He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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