I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
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The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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