Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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