I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
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Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
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How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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