I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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